You Were Never Meant to Do This Alone

When Life Got Quieter Than I Expected

I have always been an introvert. I recharge alone and overthink in rooms full of people, and I have on more than one occasion seriously considered faking a headache to get out of social situations I agreed to. This is just who I am.

What I didn't realize, until it hit me all at once, was that I had spent years building my life around my kids. My two older daughters went to college. My son got a car. And suddenly I wasn't chauffeuring kids around. I wasn't consumed by school events. My plate got a lot lighter. One kid with his own car and a schedule that no longer required me for almost anything.

And I found myself spending evenings hoping one of them would just come home and hang out with me.

That's when I realized: I didn't have a life outside of them. I had them, I had work, and that was kind of it. I had spent years being a mom first and worrying about me second, and somewhere in there I had quietly stopped building anything for myself.

The Part Where I Knew What to Do & Still Didn't Want to Do It

Here's the thing. I work at a church. I was fully aware that there were opportunities everywhere to find community. I had literally helped create some of them. I didn't have a logistics problem. I had an introvert problem.

The memes about making friends after 30 are correct. But for me it wasn't the not-knowing-how part. It was the having-to-actually-do-it part. After working all day and being "on," the idea of going somewhere and having to "people" with a group of women I didn't know well sounded... like a lot.

I signed up for a Womens Bible study months in advance. I was excited when I signed up. It was a great idea! Future-Beth would love this.

And then the day arrived, and past-Beth had apparently made commitments that current-Beth had to follow through on. (I was not thrilled with her.)

What if I said something weird? What if my filter completely failed me and I made an idiot of myself? What if I didn't click with the women in my group? What if it was awkward and quiet and I just sat there too scared to say anything because I'm also very shy sometimes, which is somehow possible alongside being the communications director of a church? What if I overshared? What if...

I went anyway.

What Actually Happened

It was a little awkward at first. New things always are, and getting together with people you may not know very well or at all can be awkward.

And then the weeks went on, and something shifted. I started to relax. I realized I could be myself with these women. The conversations got more real. And I started actually looking forward to Tuesdays, instead of kicking past-Beth for signing me up for this. As the week went on and Tuesday got closer, I felt something I didn't expect: anticipation. That was new.

The Part I Didn't See Coming

Over the summer when the group wasn't meeting, I did something that surprised even me. I started taking steps outside of the group. I started inviting women over. I started saying yes to things.

I have been doing game nights and movie nights, the silly kind, where we just needed a night of ridiculous teenage girl movies. I'm even helping a friend train for a 30-mile bike ride, which is either very supportive or very ambitious, and I haven't decided which yet. And I talked a few of my coworkers into trying Pilates.

(We survived. Barely. Our instructor found our faces during class to be genuinely amusing.)

What I realized is that I already had community. I just hadn't seen it. I had people around me at work and at church. I had assumed everyone else was busy with their kids and their husbands and their full lives. I was a single mom who lived for her kids, and I quietly assumed it was just me sitting there wanting more.

It wasn't just me. The minute I started making plans, people were genuinely excited. Turns out a lot of people are quietly hungry for the same thing. They're just waiting for someone to ask.

Why This Is So Common Right Now

We live in a world where people are more connected online and less connected in person than ever. We see each other's highlight reels and assume everyone else's life is full. We don't want to be the one who reaches out and looks like we need something. So we scroll. And the loneliness gets quieter and louder at the same time.

God didn't design us for that. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says: "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble."

That's not just advice for business partnerships or marriages. That's the whole design. And I've come to believe that the loneliness I felt when my kids started leaving wasn't just a life transition. It was an invitation. God has a way of making the things we need very clear when we need them most. He can lead us to the door, but we still have to open it. There's a hunger or a craving that shows up first, and we have to follow it.

What I Know Now

Most people around you are hungry for community. Not in a something-is-wrong-with-me way. Just in the deeply human, I-was-made-for-this way. And most of them are waiting for someone else to go first.

The women who showed up on those Tuesday nights didn't need me to have it all figured out. They just needed me to show up. And I was ready. I just wasn't brave yet.

Now I know that I have people I can call when things fall apart, celebrate with when things go right, and spend a ridiculous Friday night with when I just need to laugh. That didn't happen because I waited until I wasn't scared. It happened because I showed up scared anyway and kept reaching out.

Where to Start

If any of this feels familiar, if you're in a new season, new to the area, or just quietly realizing your last real conversation was longer ago than you'd like, you're not alone. Most people around you are looking for the same thing and not saying so.

The hardest part is almost always just the first yes. The first ask. The first time you show up somewhere new and feel a little out of place and wonder if this was a good idea. That feeling doesn't mean you're in the wrong place. It usually means you're exactly where you need to be.

If you're looking for somewhere to start, join a bible study or small group at Grace Fishers. There's a group for almost every season of life and new ones launching soon waiting for people like you. You just have to show up: scared or not.

(For those asking, while our Womens Bible Study is set up in semesters, you can join anytime. If you're thinking about joining, I encourage you to do so. It's not too late. You can join a group on our Groups page or reach out to Nathanael Sommers.)

To learn more, check out Brittany's sermon from the past week, Standing in Battle Together.

About the Author

Beth Montgomery is the Communications Director at Grace Fishers Church. She is a self-described introvert who had to learn the hard way that community doesn't build itself. She is still recovering from that Pilates class (...and her friends are recovering too).